two months ago i managed somehow to give birth to a human being.
in this time, i have yet to share my experience of “motherhood”, what it means to me, and how the sleepless nights have affected my moods. it’s not that i’ve been afraid to talk about it… let’s be real here, i’m not really afraid to share, especially if my experience helps someone feel a little less alone.
i haven’t had the time. or the inclination. sitting with a newborn (or now, a two month old), even one who is relatively well behaved, is draining. i thought i’d lost myself before she came but this whirlwind has proven something completely different, and it is taking a lot of energy to get used to it.
what happened to the vital, creative, fun loving kid i used to be? i think she disappeared a long time ago (at least a year before i hit 30, anyway). but whoever i started to become still wasn’t really ready to be a mother. although i’m glad i waited, because any and every version of myself before this point would have been unprepared. maybe i would have been fine but if we’re being completely honest, it’s taken me a long time to get to the … “comfortable” emotional state i find myself in lately, and even this is a roller coaster. back then? i can only assume the sleepless nights would have been that much more impossible to get through.
so, am i loving this whole, “being a mom” thing? i’m not sure yet. dylan is, quite frankly, amazing. sometimes i look at her and i’m so full of love and devotion it’s astounding. where did this little miracle come from, and is it really possible that i created something so perfect? ultimately, it’s these thoughts that get me through the rough patches, when she’s fussy and i’m tired and on the verge of tears…
i have plenty of hopes and dreams for her, but mostly i’m curious about what and who she will become, what she’s going to look like, her personality. i want the absolute best for her, like most parents do… but i think, at least i hope, that my best and her best are aligned…
who i am now… maybe one day it will all settle down and i’ll figure that out. for the time being i’m just trying to get used to the fact that this little person is my little person for life now, and spend time day dreaming about what comes next…