laying in bed one night about a week or two before going into labor i was staring at the top of my dresser thinking, “i need to get that sorted out.” the top of my dresser is a perpetual mess and a bone of contention – i’m a maker of piles, always with the intention of sorting them into smaller piles to be put away in their proper place. that doesn’t happen as often as it should.
the SO can attest to my pile making, and jokes about how i’m a pile, usually with a toddler, a baby, a pillow, two cats and a computer in my lap. the problem with the piles… they cause me a lot of anxiety. like… i’m not sleeping at night because i’m thinking about these self-made piles.
i knew i would have to sort out my dresser before we had the baby because i didn’t want to be stuck in my bed under a baby staring at this disaster area and getting more and more anxious by the minute.
i did what i could with that mess, it actually looked nice for about two weeks.
i’ve started making piles again, and now that we’ve hit the 6 week growth spurt, or his very first leap and is resisting sleep and being put down and generally being very no chill, it’s a lot harder to get any of the usual day-to-day things done, let alone any of my many projects. (i’m currently typing with one hand while i try to calm a mildly fussy baby who was successfully sleeping until he sensed i was attempting to accomplish something fulfilling beyond keeping children alive yet another day.)
granted, this little bundle of adorable sleeplessness came early but i did technically have like… nine months to prep our household for his arrival. hindsight is 20/20 of course, but i wish i had expended more energy getting these a few things in order in advance, like…
freezer meal prep
a bunch of women on my facebook mom’s group posted about getting their freezer meals together. i liked their posts and admired their forethought, but i (incorrectly) that we wouldn’t need to go that route because my SO is off with me and perfectly capable of making meals for the family. things didn’t work out quite as planned, however, and we’ve eaten a lot more takeout than i think we both would prefer. newborn or not, i get tired of having to come up with ideas for dinner. i keep dreaming about having a menu set for the week in advance so there’s none of that back and forth or trying to pull something together last minute from the scraps in the fridge. especially considering i want to make healthier choices. next time, if there is a next time, or if i were to just offer some advice to a soon-to-be first-time mom, i’d say, “meal prep. just do it.”
finished decorating the nursery
just like with our first, the little prince sleeps in our room with us and will for the next while. i find it easier this way, since we’re exclusively breastfeeding. even though he’s in our room, i wish i had gotten the nursery finished so i wouldn’t have to look at this half-done project and think about it all the time. i am an anxiety thinker, and projects that sit unfinished swirl around in my mind taking up valuable space for other important things.
spent more time with my friends
i miss my friends 🙁 i had every intention of making time for them before the baby came but you know what they say about the road to hell being paved with good intentions. with baby here, it’s a lot harder to make simple plans. (to be fair, having moved an hour outside the city where my friends live made it difficult to make simple plans, seeing as none of us drive, so who’s really the asshole here? still me.) even just going to the park now is a huge production. yes, i will be able to reclaim my time soon enough but it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you’re in the trenches.
got my drivers license
living in a city like toronto, i didn’t need a drivers license because, despite it’s many, many flaws, the transit system was more than adequate to get me where i needed to go. we also lived within walking distance of important amenities like the grocery store, the liquor store, the coffee shop (priorities). in small town nowhere, you need a car just to get to the end of the road, and i’m completely reliant on people who can drive. this sucks on a lot of levels. i had a lot of independence before. if i wanted to go to the mall or for groceries or just take dylan to a different park, i could do it without waiting on someone else.
the loss of independence (of a kind) has been the hardest for me through this whole ordeal. i know i should just “relax and enjoy it” because “these times don’t last” and “before i know it he’ll be on his way” but that doesn’t bring me solace when i look around at the mess that i haven’t gotten under control. there’s always so much to do, i wish someone had prepared me for that. actually, ignoring the piles is harder than parenting. eventually, the kids get it. the piles? they’ll be there until i am ready. who knows when that will be?
– july 3, 2018